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  • Writer's pictureVictoria Baxter

He left but he's not God

Updated: May 12, 2020

Nothing like being abandoned. We roll our eyes when we see another social media post or vlog when someone is telling people to heal from their abandonment issues. We get frustrated as we wonder if we, ourselves, suffer from it. We hear the term and think someone was left on the steps of a police station or left alone in a house to fend for themselves. Sometimes, that's the case. But not always. There's a different side of abandonment that a large number of individuals deal with. Especially women. I'll even share my story with you.

My parents separated when I was 4 years old. I was the youngest of 5 children. My mom left my father, deciding she could handle it all on her own. While my older siblings recall having them in the house together at least at some point, I don't. I was only a little girl when she left. So, over the years, that little girl never got the love she needed from her father. She never knew she mattered. Add to that sense of rejection, she felt abandoned. A parent was gone. Not only was daddy not there, but he didn't really show up and show interest. She felt rejected, abandoned, and unloved. Mommy made it seem as if a man wasn't needed, so this little girl grew up believing that. However, that love was missing. The void was never filled. And she found herself, even as an adult, connecting with men that were emotionally unavailable. Men that couldn't really give her what she needed and wanted. What she craved. The men that were all in and ready to commit? Nah. Too easy. That didn't prove anything. How was she to know if they were for real? But the ones that were difficult? Those were attractive to her. Why? Because if she could get them to stay, commit, or see her worth, she would no longer be rejected. Abandoned. Unloved.

She connected with men, caught feelings while pretending to be a "savage" and independent, not in need of any man. She would break up with men and tell them she was done. But oh they had better chase after her and inform her that they needed her. It was a cycle that she craved and created, because there was that little girl that never got what she needed and wanted. She thought she healed and was better. Until she encountered real love. A love like no other. She realized he was different. But in her selfishness, she would often neglect his emotions and needs. God forbid he have his own issues. Simply not possible! It only fueled to her rejection issues.

She is me. I am her. But all along, I forgot that I am His. Yeh, my daddy wasn't there to give what was needed. And though I always believed in God, I often forgot that I wasn't rejected by Him. I stayed close, but never trusted Him fully, either. As a life and dating coach, I will say that most of the ladies I work with fall in this category in some way. Rejection and abandonment are issues that seriously affect many women. Two different things, but they carry the same weight. And while they are not necessarily something that ever goes away, the key is to understanding it's an existing issue, learning the triggers, and not letting it consume your life. Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. MRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically speaking). In fact our brains respond so similarly to rejection and physical pain that Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits.

A fear of abandonment is a rather complex phenomenon in psychology. In most cases, it stems from childhood or some type of trauma. And while not an official phobia, it is one of the most damaging fears of all, as it leads to irrational and impulsive behaviors. Thought patterns end up altering the victim's thought process. The fear runs so deep that it can affect relationships. And since it's almost impossible to reason with rejection and abandonment issues, the other party in the relationship typically leaves. This does what? It causes the victim's fear to become a reality. A cycle that never gets broken, instead perpetuated over time.

Signs you struggle with fear of abandonment

  • Staying in unhealthy relationships

  • Quickly attaching to individuals that are unavailable

  • Difficulty in emotional intimacy

  • Hard to please

  • Repressed anger

  • Distrusting of many people

  • Tendency to overthink things

  • Always seeking a hidden meaning in things that occur

  • Strong feelings of separation anxiety

So, who left you? Who rejected you? Who abandoned you? Who made you feel that you weren't good enough and now it's led to a deep rooted fear inside of you? Who is it that has the power to potentially ruin your future relationships going forward? And when are you going to take back that power? What I need you to understand is whoever did it, he's not God. And God's not Him. And some of you have humanized God, thinking He will treat you the same way as your earthly offender. It's time to get to the root of the issues so you can truly be free. The enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy. And this includes things on an emotional, mental, and romantic level. We must be wise and on guard. Ask God to reveal to you those places in need of healing so you can be free. If you're wanting help with this, I'm here for you. Let's get to the bottom of it as I climb in the hole with you helping you get out instead of just yelling down the hole giving climbing instructions that may not work. Either way, walk in the healing freely given to you.

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