• Victoria Baxter

"The One" reason you might still be Single..

As a coach for single Christian women, I will say that I've heard a bit of everything regarding why many women are still single. I don't care to list the many reasons right now because it's not the purpose of this blog. But I'll say that in most cases, there's something there at the center. Let me discuss "the one" reason there's a good chance that you're still single...


The Wait

We're told to wait, and wait well. Wait in this season. Wait on God. Wait on "the one" that will arrive. "The one" that will sweep you off your feet, make you realize why you couldn't settle, why the pain from the last man was worth it, blah blah blah. All that sounds absolutely amazing. And many women believe this; they're waiting on this. And I will say that "the one" reason many women are still single is because they're waiting on who I just described: "the one." We have grossly added an unneeded and inessential religious factor to dating and selecting a mate. It's become super spiritual, though unnecessary. Our focus and emphasis needs to be put on the why and not the who. When you know your why for getting married, the who will come easily. The one for you is whichever one you choose. Point, blank period. This is a concept, however, that many believers around the world can't seem to fathom. We can give credence to God choosing because of Him creating Eve for Adam. Well duh. He had just said "it's not good for man to be alone, I'll make a helper for him." There was literally no one else for Adam to choose from. The animals didn't suffice. God created the woman, brought her to Adam, and it was Adam that said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:23 NIV

Adam had a choice. But even if you want to say he didn't, fine. I'll stick with the first couple concept, and leave that alone.



But as you flip through the pages of the Bible, you'll see handfuls of stories where God didn't choose the spouse. David and Bathsheba? There's an interesting story. Isaac and Rebekah? Interesting blind date, matchmaking, Married at First Sight kinda love there. Jacob and Rachel? He chose her after falling in love with her outer appearance. David praised the Lord after Nabal died and then chose Abigail as his wife! This goes on a lot in the Bible. And I barely see anyone asking for confirmation from God before taking someone on as their husband or wife. I get that times were different, but let's also realize that the reasons for which God created marriage haven't changed. When we stay connected to God and know the meaning of marriage, it eliminates the extra fluff.


Don't stay single longer than you may desire because you're waiting on "the one" or even waiting on God. Psalm 37:23 says, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way." A good person walking with God won't be led astray. A woman that knows God won't be moved solely based on romance, good dates, conversation, and sweet nothings whispered in her ear. She also will know to not write a man off based off his negligence to those areas, either. A woman ready for marriage realizes it's not just about her and her desires. She'll know the reasons for marriage, what it entails, and will have the ability to detect the fruits present in a potential interest's life (Galatians 5:22-23). Romance and superficial desires and preferences have the potential to set a person up for failure when it comes to marriage. Roses and butterflies won't always help. They're not the answer or fix to any and everything. Examine men to determine if they're a fighter, a provider, respectful, teachable, strong, determined, resilient, and a person that doesn't quit. Love and romance matter, sure. But it's merely the milk that may or may not go with the Oreos that are already sweet.


"I want marriage God's way!"

Do you? Let's examine a few things, shall we? Rachel and Issac had a beautiful love story. Yet she chose her favorite son to deceive her dying husband. But they got through that. Eve introduced sin to her husband. But they got through that. David had his wife's first husband killed after sleeping with her, leading to the death of their first child. But they got through that. Sarah was impatient and had her husband sleep with her maid and then got angry when the woman in fact became pregnant. But they got through that. Stale Oreos are what all those situations smell like to me. Lacking basic conflict resolution skills in the present would completely eliminate the notion that a person is ready for the marriage they're desperately desiring. Oh, and Hosea was instructed to marry a prostitute!? What if God tells you to marry someone and it goes completely against what you had in mind all this time? Many ladies tell God what they want and don't want, expecting Him to bless according to the magic wish. Imagine meeting a perfect person for you but you don't want him because he had kids before you, or he's not tall enough, or his bank account isn't big enough, or he doesn't go to church every Sunday. I'm not mocking but I get frustrated because the women that are tired of being single are the reason they're still single. And the women that say they'll stay single before they settle don't realize what settling really is. Settling is when you accept something beneath you. But choosing to extend grace and trust God isn't settling...

"Lacking basic conflict resolution skills in the present would completely eliminate the notion that a person is ready for the marriage they're desperately desiring."

You have the Power to Choose!

You can choose your spouse. The key is that you must choose wisely. And only a person walking with God and able to use discernment will do that. In most cases, God is not selecting a partner for you. There are obviously exceptions to this. Again, back to Hosea and Gomer. And I know of instances where God showed someone an actual, specific person. That's different. Some callings have higher demands. To whom much is given, much is required. That we know. But blaming your single status on the fact that God hasn't sent a mate yet is ludicrous. Thinking that He'll punish you for choosing wrong is just as crazy. How many of you switched jobs without consulting God? How many of you relocated or purchased a house without consulting God? What if you left the place and your "God-ordained" spouse was there? Imagine God punishing you for leaving too soon. That would never happen, sis. We must stop humanizing Him. He doesn't think on our level. Look at Isaiah 55:8-9.


Going forward

Stay connected to Him. You can go on dates, join dating sites, accept blind dates, the whole 9. That's all fine, even as a Christian. This is why I enjoy Christian dating coaching so much because people are clueless. Check out the dating services and products I offer here. Grab the ebook on dating or at least grab the free dating tips while there! No matter what, the key is to not put more effort on that than you do God. Seek Him, do right, work hard, meet someone, and marry him. With or without confirmation. After spending enough time with God, your judgment can be trusted. He doesn't have to confirm, though He will if you ask.


And don't Isaiah 60:22 everything to death. Remember that God is the creator and author of time, yet He's timeless. He doesn't see time the way we do. He sees time differently. He looks at decades and generations. Not our measly weeks and months. He will accomplish what He wants. He speaks a thing and it happens. You're not powerful enough to wreck His plans. Can we do things outside of His will? Of course! But know that you serve and believe in a God that knew what you were going to do before you knew. Nothing you can ever do will leave Him scratching His head saying, "Oh em Me! I didn't see that one coming!" Again, stop humanizing our Sovereign God. We talk a lot about "God's timing" this and "God's timing" that. Blah. Seek Him first. Live righteously. Eat. Drink. Be merry!

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