• Victoria Baxter

What Benefits do Boyfriends Get?

Can we discuss spousal benefits given to boyfriends?



Often, I see and hear people speaking of women giving husband or wife benefits to a man who’s not their actual spouse. Truthfully, whether you say husband or wife benefits, it’s all in the same. It’s easy to see why they get used interchangeably. But for the sake of this article, I’ll call it spousal benefits.


Seems like I’m talking about military related info, huh? But not at all. Spousal benefits would be advantages or profits gained by someone who is a spouse. What I often realize, though, is that women tend to give these benefits to men that they are in an unwed relationship with.


Let’s be clear. Everyone is going to date and do relationships differently. I get that, 100%. But what I also know is that I’ll always tell women the same thing: “know your why.” Know your reasoning behind everything you do, 1. Now, before I delve into that, let me give some examples of spousal benefits. These include, but are not limited to, premarital sex (check out a video I did on if this is a sin), cleaning your man’s home, living together premaritally, becoming a parent to their child(ren), joining finances, and/or legal matters (i.e. lease, wills, deeds, life insurance policies, adding one to medical insurance, etc). So going back to knowing your why. You have to know your reason for engaging in any of those things when it comes to a boyfriend or significant other. All of my clients are marriage-minded. I, myself, am marriage-minded. I speak to and work with those who are wanting to get married sooner rather than later. A main thing that I do is have my clients predetermine their boundaries. I love how Corinthians speaks of being a cheerful giver, and giving as one has decided in their heart to give. I understand context matters. But for the sake of giving, if we’re speaking of giving spousal benefits, the same thing applies. Decide in your heart what you’re going to give and do for a man who has not yet made you a wife. Boundaries!


I believe relationships are to be enjoyed. Not everything is about going straight to determining when’s the engagement coming, and then how soon a marriage will follow. Wholly Girlfriend is a course in my New Love Language Community for this reason. Christian singles mess up greatly in one area today: they take the fun out of dating, and fail to just enjoy relationships. And this is a large reason for struggles in marriages today. Failing to develop relationship skills. And the only way to implement what you learn is actually being in a relationship. Struggles exist because there's no real marriage prep or readiness. Simply desiring it because it sounds good, stems to self-esteem and validation, provides an opportunity for guilt-free sex, and merely seems to be the end goal. Especially for those that feel as if they have everything else they desire, except a spouse. So here’s the stage where spousal benefits tend to be provided by most women. There’s a large group of women that so desire to be a wife that they find themselves auditioning for the role of wife. “Well, if he sees how good I cook, clean, interact with his children, and throw that *bleep* in a circle, he’s going to want to wife me up, no doubt."


“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

I recall speaking to an ex about this. Truthfully, it was me asking him his opinion in reference to a man getting ready for the right woman. And he said that’s not true for all men. That if a man isn’t ready, he’s not ready. What he also added was that there are women who do the most for men without even being in a committed relationship at all. And in that case, that would be the woman that a lot of men would never even marry. Because she was showing that she was already ready to provide the benefits of a spouse without even being one. And that most men find that off-putting. Without me even having to ask, I’ll inform you that many of the examples he gave about spousal benefits are already listed above. What I’ll ALSO disclose is that this was a man I dated and once loved. I gave him a beaucoup of benefits, and he never even took me on an actual date. There were always excuses, yet it was nothing for him to find time for sex. Yet shortly after he and I went our separate ways, he was with a woman. In an actual relationship. They have since gotten engaged to be married.


Girlfriends aren’t mentioned in the bible. Without instruction, I say this is where wisdom as it pertains to Christian living comes into play. Fulfilling our responsibilities as His children. Girlfriends and significant others are to show and be love. Show and give respect. We pray and extend grace. It’s a relationship so there is still loyalty. We are to represent purity, kindness, patience, and gentleness. When we read the Bible, wives are given clear instructions. They’re to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22). They provide food (Proverbs 31:15). Wives have sex when the husband is ready to get it on (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Wives cover and pray for their husbands (Genesis 2:18).


You have to know your why. Because if you’re engaging in certain things in order to be seen as a wife, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. It’ll only contribute to low self-esteem if already present. And not only engaging in some things, but also disengaging. Because there are far too many women who want their abstinence or even boundaries to be a badge of honor that moves them to the front of the wife line. Now, there are some women are good-natured. They have a serving heart. They’re generous. They're nurturing by nature. I, myself, love to cook. It’s a love language for me. So even now, it’s why I don’t mind cooking for my partner. We take turns introducing each other to new recipes, deciding what we’re going to have for dinner several nights of the week. I don't mind cooking for him because it's how I show love. And I'm not trying to prove to him I'll make a great wife (though I know I will). So I mentioned you have to know your reasoning behind everything you do. And 2, keep in mind that everything you can do is not beneficial (1 Corinthians 10:23). See, we are women of the Word. We do things a bit differently as Christian women. Why? Because we’re set apart. And Paul admonished us to not conform to the patterns of this world. I’m sure the Samaritan woman wasn’t the only one cohabiting with her mate. But the mere mentioning of Jesus disclosing that the man she was living with wasn’t even her husband sure says a lot. That it was unusual and out of order. I know, others are doing all kinds of things. You probably know someone who was having sex after 2 months, moved in 3 months later, and a year later they were married. Before the vows, she was cleaning, cooking, and packing his lunch. And it seemingly worked well for her. The thing is, it all depends on what you consider “well” and it also goes back to knowing your why.


Let’s also keep in mind, all men are different, though. Some men won’t marry the “providing” woman. And by that I mean the woman providing the spousal benefits. Because some men take purity to a whole nother level. They want and actually desire a woman who will make a man work for and earn certain benefits. These men will find themselves entertaining a woman who cooks a mean lasagna, does his laundry, and spreads her legs 3 times a week (and twice on Monday if he had a rough day). These men will love these women, introduce them to family, the whole 9. But these men will never marry that kind of woman. Even going on to marry another woman at some point. And on the flip side, there are men who will see a woman who’s doing certain things and determine, “Yeh, she’s a wife! I need her to be MY wife.” And they’ll waste no time marrying her. This mentality lines up perfectly with the true meaning behind Proverbs 18:22. A man who crosses paths with a virtuous, noble woman and he is wise enough to make her a wife obtains favor from the Lord.


It all goes back to the why you’re doing (or not doing) giving certain advantages. And remembering that just because you can do whatever you want doesn’t mean you should. When God was convicting me on premarital sex, it wasn’t even about the act being a sin or only for my husband. He was showing me that I had Self-Love Deficit Disorder, and I was doing things with and for men in hopes that one would pick me and love me. He was showing me how I was giving my body to men that I wanted to be my husband, but they didn’t see any parts of me as being their wife. I auditioned for years, and never got the role.


Black ladies, statistics are in. The numbers are increasing as to how many black women remain unmarried. Another area of increase? The divorce rate among black women. Our group has the highest number of all other races for men and women.


I help black women become whole, develop self-love, and renew their heart to win at kingdom love. Because you’ve got to be strategic. I know others say "follow your heart." Yet Jeremiah 17 says the heart is the most deceitful thing there is. We must use wisdom. We must acknowledge when our ways simply aren’t working. We must admit when things are being done from a selfish, vain place. We must always know our why and remember that we can’t do whatever we want. Only the ones choosing to do something different will actually experience a difference in their relationships.


I hope you’re one of them.



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