Why men lose interest...
Updated: Jun 16
Surely this has happened to you before. Things were seemingly going well with a dude. Then all of a sudden, your new love interest starts to pull back a little bit. You're completely floored as to why because all was good in the hood just a few weeks ago. What. Went. Wrong?! I think what women often forget is that men do get scared sometimes. That, and they want to be sure just like we want to be sure. Now, they may not disclose as much information as we do, but the feelings are there just the same. Truthfully, theirs are more intense. We just display it more. Yet and still, this doesn't tell you why men lose interest and what happened. Well, let's explore this a bit, shall we?
Why do men pull back?
Based on the notion of a man that was actually interested in you and then went AWOL, there could be a few possibilities. Several months back, I did a free coaching call on why women have been ghosted repeatedly. If a man, maybe 2, have at some point cut off communication with you, there's a chance he was seeing someone else that caught his attention more. Perhaps he was in a relationship, unbeknownst to you. Who knows? A few different scenarios could be the culprit. But when a woman has a high number of times she's been ghosted by a man (as in he completely disappears out the blue when it seemed things were on the up and up), all signs point back to her. Sorry if this is you. But it's true. One man even went as far as to say, "I think the thing about us men ghosting is that we don't have to explain our actions to anyone and women feel like they are entitled to know everything." I couldn't agree more. Because sometimes we conjure up relationships in our heads that we're in all by our lonesome. I've been there before! Now, if you're in an actual relationship with a man, and he disappears, then answers are owed, yes. But there are often times that women somehow find themselves in relationships alone. If you have found yourself in datingships and men lost interest or ghosted you, you must examine why they're no longer who you met in the beginning.
What do men need?
A man's most basic need is freedom. Sometimes things just move too quickly and it can be a lot for him. He then becomes distant, as this how they handle and process. Often times, he knows he’ll come back to you. He's not done, ghosting, or walking away from you. It's not to say he's out playing games, entertaining someone else, or even expecting you to wait. None of that! Men can fall back for all of a few days or maybe more and your average woman begins demanding answers. Though he knows he's coming back, women often don't. So they panic and begin to chase a bit. I see this often with my clients that have abandonment issues. They go on to send absurd amounts of text messages, even the ones that tell him to "have a nice life" in a sassy manner or with a bit of an attitude. Enter in rattling off at the mouth on how she "knew he wasn't any good" or was "just like the rest." Sadly, his attempt to be independent and have a slight breather is undermined. Now, he's questioning who this woman is because he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did. He's simply wired to want his freedom when things going well slightly activated his fear. Ladies, understand that independence and masculinity are very important to men. More times than not, men don't want the time to back away for the sole purpose of evaluating you and trying to see what's up. Shocker, right? When they retreat, they're often vulnerable. But when the choice for time and freedom is taken from him by a woman, he feels trapped. Typically because she's forceful and/or demanding. Slowly, he begins to close the gap and then the cycle explodes because she reacts to it. Instead of just welcoming him back, because truly, he never left.
In instances like this, and in general, this is why a circle of sound advice is vital. Have godly friends that can speak wisdom and speak truth to you. You also need to find a distraction! Don’t make everything about him. You had a life before him so continue on with it. He's only a portion of it.
When a man pulls away, it's normal, natural, and necessary. But if you show a side he didn't
know existed, it will be damaging and it will lead to him losing interest. Allow him to recharge if necessary. Besides, the distance truly will make him miss you if you know how to handle it well. If your concern is whether or not he'll find himself in the arms of another women, then there are greater concerns you must tend to. Because in reality, when they pull away, they go to hobbies, friends, and passions. They work and get active. They try to go on to the ordinary life they had before meeting you. I can't stress enough that your average Joe doesn't like feeling vulnerable. Their cycle is to bounce from distant to close, though it pushes women’s buttons. This is something I know all too well. If only I had become a dating coach before I was out there dating! Sis, be patient and allow him to work through his feelings.
Think about it. Do you really want to be the number one thing on his mind? We say that, but do we mean it? I've lived that life. Twice. And it was obsessive, creepy, and scary. It's abnormal and it indicates mania love which is controlling and possessive. You don't want that. At least you shouldn't. I want a healthy relationship where there's balance.
What you must do is create a desire within him so that he doesn't lose interest. Instead of trying to get him back on board, just be there. If your concern is losing him because he's a good man and you know it, just chill. The crash course, Playing it Cool, from The Arsenal will help you tremendously. Something about a woman that keeps calm and doesn't pressure a man really gets him going. Avoid knee-jerk behaviors and reactions. Don't chase, fuss, double-text, push for a response, or keep trying to find out "what's wrong" because chances are? NOTHING'S WRONG!
I'll say this: if it doesn’t come as his choice, it won’t happen at all. And why pull someone who came by force? Therein lies a future of nothing but resentment... Relax!