The debates swirling around Black love in social media, podcasts, and public discourse are rampant. The dating scene for Black singles is increasingly becoming an emotional battlefield filled with gender wars, financial comparisons, dating dilemmas, and arguments over superficial preferences disguised as “standards.” Meanwhile, statistics about Black marriage and divorce rates continue to paint a sobering picture, one that leaves many Black men and women single longer than they desire. While other races seem to be winning at love, we are caught up in conflicts that are deeper than what appears on the surface.
It’s time to address the elephant in the room and dig deeper into why Black love seems to be under siege, particularly within the realms of gender roles, financial debates, unrealistic expectations, and societal pressures. But more importantly, it’s time to propose a solution that centers around something I call the TUG method: Truce, Understanding, and Grace—a formula I believe can lead to more kingdom love stories and happy, holy relationships.
Gender and Financial Debates: The Battle Lines Are Drawn
One of the most toxic battlegrounds we find in discussions about Black love is centered on who should make more money. You’ve likely seen or heard the arguments: should a man be the breadwinner, or is it acceptable for a woman to financially outpace her partner? What about 50/50? These debates lead to questions of power, control, and submission, further complicating how men and women see themselves within relationships.
In Black culture, historical traumas and systemic oppression have disproportionately impacted Black men, making it harder for many to achieve the kind of financial stability traditionally expected in a relationship. Meanwhile, Black women are excelling in education and career paths, often out-earning their male counterparts. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Black women are among the most educated groups in America, and Black women are more likely than Black men to hold a degree.
This leads us to a dangerous dynamic where financial success is equated with value in a relationship. Many women hold firm to the belief that a man must out-earn them or match them financially, while some men feel diminished by their partner’s success. As a result, what could be a healthy partnership turns into a competition. The focus shifts from love, connection, and mutual growth to salary figures and social status.
But financial success doesn’t guarantee relational success. Studies have shown that Black women, despite their professional accomplishments, are experiencing one of the lowest marriage rates and highest divorce rates. According to a 2015 study by the Pew Research Center, Black women are less likely to get married than women of other races, and when they do marry, they are more likely to experience divorce. There’s something deeper going on here. And it has nothing to do with one "knowing their worth."
Statistics on Marriage and Divorce Rates
The numbers paint a disheartening picture. As of 2020, only about 29% of Black adults are married, compared to 48% of all U.S. adults. Moreover, 62% of Black women aged 25-54 have never been married, according to the Brookings Institution. Among those who do marry, the divorce rate for Black women remains higher than that of other races, with Black women being twice as likely to divorce than their White counterparts.
Why is this happening? And why, despite their accomplishments, are so many Black women either single or struggling to find lasting love?
For many, it boils down to unrealistic expectations, inflated self-worth tied to educational and financial achievements, and an over-focus on what’s in it for me (the WIIFM mentality). Too many Black women have been conditioned to believe that the more degrees or money they accumulate, the more worthy they are of love. But love is not a transactional currency. Black women feel as if they're the only ones being told to settle or struggle in love, when this has nothing to do with the issue or matter at hand. And when the relationship becomes focused on what each person can bring to the table in terms of status or wealth, it misses the true essence of what love is: selflessness, partnership, and grace.
The Truce, Understanding, and Grace (TUG) Method
I often talk about the TUG method—a framework designed to heal the war on Black love by helping men and women foster a mindset of Truce, Understanding, and Grace.
1. Truce
We need to call a truce in the gender war. Men and women were created for partnership, not opposition. We need to end the blame game and finger-pointing and instead recognize that we need each other. Women, in particular, need to let go of superficial “standards” that strike the ego more than they honor the soul. The ideal man may not always match the checklist we’ve created in our heads, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of being an excellent partner.
2. Understanding
It’s essential that we work toward understanding our counterparts. Too many women are blind to the struggles, traumas, and needs of the men they seek to build a life with. Many Black men are burdened by the weight of systemic racism, family dysfunction, and societal pressures that tell them they must prove their worth through financial or physical strength. Yet what they truly need is support, compassion, and grace. Likewise, men need to understand the emotional toll that Black women face as they juggle career, family, and societal expectations, often while healing from past wounds.
3. Grace
And finally, grace. As believers, we know that grace is freely given, undeserved favor. Imagine if both men and women extended grace to each other in relationships, offering love, patience, and understanding even when it wasn’t “earned.” Imagine how different relationships could be if we were willing to forgive past mistakes, let go of the “tall orders,” and create space for growth and healing together. Grace has the power to heal the deepest wounds and create the most fulfilling love.
The Way Forward: Healing and Unlearning
The truth is, there’s something deeper behind this war on Black love. It’s more than just financial debates or unrealistic expectations. It’s a lack of healing, a failure to extend grace, and a deep-seated misunderstanding of what true love and partnership look like. The good news? It’s never too late to unlearn the things that are holding you back in love.
I created the New Prep 2-Day Intensive (NP2I) course specifically for Black women who are ready to break free from the things that have been keeping them single or stuck in unhealthy relationships. In this course, we dig deep into limiting beliefs, traumas, and societal pressures that keep women from experiencing love in its fullest form. And it works—one woman even credits this course for why she’s finally healed and now thriving in a kingdom, loving marriage.
It’s time to break the cycle. Let’s start by calling a truce, seeking understanding, and extending grace. That’s how we move from conflict to connection, from single to securely loved, and from this war on Black love to the beautiful kingdom love stories we all deserve.
If you’re ready to do the work, learn more about my NP2I course here: link.
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