How to Spot a Playa
Listen. These dating streets can be grea-sy, you hear me? Now, do I believe they have to be? No! I think when you get to a certain level with self that something shifts. You not only attract a new breed of men, but you can also detect and discern who you're in the presence of. But that's another convo for another day. And you didn't come here for that. When it comes to spotting a playa, and even a cheater, is it possible?
I say yes.
While the definition of cheating and being a playa isn’t necessarily the same, the signs, cues, body language movements, and signals are pretty consistent—no matter the type of cheating or foolery a man is engaging in or doing. Experts have determined there are some not-so-obvious signs your partner could fall in the category of cheater or playa. Let's go over them together.
There are only certain times he can see you, be around you, or even speak to you on the phone. Yes, there's the obvious things such as work hours and being asleep. But when a man wants to ensure you know he only has time to see you on the weekends between a certain time or that he can only call after 9 PM before 10:30 PM, nah playa. I'll say that I dated a guy like this years ago. He was consistent throughout the week yet he ALWAYS disappeared fully on the weekends. But come Monday? Here we go! And another guy would talk to me all throughout his work day. Then he went silent by the time he got home. Nothing until the next morning. And yes, he disappeared on the weekends as well. Now, I'll mention that there was one guy I dated for a while, and he often went silent on the weekends. But what I learned is that he had shared custody of his daughter. He gave her his full attention and that was actually the truth. I learned that as time went on. But the other losers? Deuces!
He protects his phone on a date or when around you. Listen, sis. Privacy and secrecy aren’t the same. When a man goes out of his way to keep his phone from around you or out of sight, pay attention. Here's something that I've learned over time: men that give pet names to a woman super early on are typically playas. Convo #2 and here he comes with the bae, babe, boo, baby, etc can be a sign that he does this with all of his women. That, or he's too eager and possibly controlling. Either way, be mindful! Dishonest. That's a duh. But a man who often tells lies has something to hide. Now, even if it's not another woman/women he's hiding, who wants a liar? Goes for sex right away. Well, we know what's on his mind already. Moving right along! You haven’t met his friends/family, but he's met yours. Interesting. This is someone who has something to hide, and it's either her or you... Vague language. Don't you hate when you can't seem to get a clear answer regarding something big or small? A man might not be hiding something, but he also may not want to get caught up in something he doesn't desire. We tend to confuse loyalty with only focusing on or being with one person. One only has to be loyal when a commitment is in place. So men like to keep it hush about certain questions because then they can't be accused of something technically. Smooth operator? Guys who are good at flirting and getting women’s attention are good at it for a reason: they do it a lot. Trust me: as a dating coach who was taught by a man who would teach other men how to meet single ladies, I know flirting really is a learn-able skill. The more they go out and flirt with women, the better they get at doing it. Avoids commitment. Simple. They don't want to be tied down and they know there's no risk of being accused of cheating. Wandering eye. Self-explanatory. Even if not a playa or cheater, he has no self-control and possibly battles with lust. Hot then cold. Wishy washy men are a skin irritant to me. If a man can change that easily with you, this says a lot. Run! You don’t know where y’all stand. Then stand next to someone else because he's probably entertaining you and other women.
Women he follows or is friends with on social media all appear to be video vixens or some type of sexual temptation. No thanks. Why even want someone who is interested by these kind of women on social media? Don't be naive. Emotionally dead. When a guy is sleeping around or even entertaining various women, the last thing he wants to do is open up that emotional side to any of them. He’s not about to get trapped in a relationship when he can keep playing the field, so he compartmentalizes sex from emotion. Men are great at that. Your time together is always spontaneous. So, a common tendency of these men would be to avoid established routines. “One of the best ways to avoid being caught cheating is to never establish known habits and routines with anyone,” says Kevin Darné, the author of My Cat Won’t Bark (a Relationship Epiphany). Not responding for long periods of time. Accidents happen, work can interfere, I get it. But if this is a habit, this speaks volumes. Accusing you of being a playa. Well, duh. If they can shift the focus on you, then it takes it away from him. Random change in their schedule. Along with not responding for long periods of time, I get things happen. But when he ups and hops on a flight the next day yet he's a landscaper, I have questions. If he now needs to work until 4 AM a few nights out of the week, but he's a mechanic, I have questions! Picking arguments and extremely irritable. I recall seeing yet another guy who was still entertaining his ex/child's mother. She learned that he was at one of my parties and informed me that he had picked a fight with her that night so he'd have a reason to get out of the house and come see me. Men love this go-to. Don't trust someone who looks for reasons to fight, leave, and/or separate.
You feel yourself becoming anxious and/or jealous. Listen, trust that gut instinct of yours (it’s almost always right). “If you’ve never been the jealous or suspicious type, but now you’ve developed uneasy feelings and anxiety, something is probably wrong,” says Anita Chlipala, LMFT. They don’t have much to say. “One less-than-obvious sign is if your partner isn’t speaking to you much. It may be a sign they’re becoming more withdrawn and sharing less with you,” says marriage counselor Wyatt Fisher, PhD. Smiling at their phone and there’s no cute dog on the screen. Boy, what has you smiling when all this greatness is in front of you?! Sudden unexplained affection and appreciation for you.“This may sound odd or even paranoid, but sometimes when your partner, who has been annoyed and angry with you for a while, mysteriously becomes nice and apologetic, they may actually be cheating on you,” says marriage and family therapist, Lauren O’Connell. Why? Because they’re “acting out their anger, frustration, and disappointment with you by seeing someone else, which then turns into guilt with you,” she explains.
Just pay attention to your GUT!
See, this is why, yes, you can tell if a man is a cheater or playa. The thing is that lust, not love, is blinding so we tend to see what we want. We ignore red flags out of desperation and loneliness. THIS is the time to pay attention to red flags. Red flags are “run” while signs are “tell me more”. Red flags are “I need to get out of here now” and signs are just speed bumps. Red flags are “dead end” while a sign is a stop sign, a pause to reflect on.
What I'll add is this. Typically, you can’t take one of these things and assume “yep, I knew it!” Discernment is a gift that everyone wasn’t born with but we’ve all been promised wisdom if we simply ask. Learn to test the fruits. Read between the lines. Guard your heart by praying over this man and the connection that you have. And I don't mean praying as in asking God to make things become what you desire. I mean praying as in asking God to reveal to you what your physical eyes simply can't see.